Guest Post: Navigating Postpartum Anxiety After Loss
By Ruth Renouf
Navigating postpartum anxiety after loss
Picture this: your longed-for baby has arrived. You have come through the anxiety-filled pregnancy and your baby is finally here! You are so grateful for your baby but… the anxiety is still there.
You had hoped that the anxiety might ease off after your baby had arrived. The pregnancy was supposed to be the hard bit to navigate; the checking, the not quite trusting your body, the fear of getting your hopes up after your experience of loss.
Surely those anxieties should disappear now that your baby is actually here? I just get to enjoy my baby now, right?
For some women the answer is ‘yes’, but for others it’s not quite so straightforward. For some women, that threat of re-experiencing loss can cast an anxious shadow over those early weeks and months with your baby too.
What anxiety might look like now that your baby is here
Now the checking might look like being unable to sleep because you’re making sure your baby is still breathing. The constant reaching over to put a hand on their tummy just to make sure.
The anxious thoughts you were having about whether your body would carry your baby might now sound like worries about whether you’re doing enough as a mum. Am I getting it right? Can I keep my baby safe?
This baby is so wanted and I’m so happy they’re here; why do I feel SO worried?! I love my baby so much but I’m really struggling as a new mum… This isn’t how I imagined it would be!
From the mums I’ve worked with, I know that feeling like you’re not enjoying every minute now that your precious baby is here can make you feel really guilty. And this is when the ‘shoulds’ can creep in:
I shouldn’t be feeling like this
I should be in the swing of things by now
I should be enjoying my baby – I won’t get this time with them back
If this resonates, you’re not broken; anxiety is your brain’s way of trying to keep you and your baby safe.
The pressure you feel to ‘get it right’ shows how much you care about your baby and how seriously you are taking your responsibility as a mum.
However, feelings of anxiety and guilt on top of looking after a baby are absolutely exhausting. So, what can we do about it?
Embrace the both/ and
Having a baby after loss is full of duality but parents often put a lot of pressure on themselves to feel a certain way. Embracing the fact that we are capable of feeling more than one thing at once and that all feelings are valid can really alleviate feelings of guilt.
You can be ridiculously grateful for this baby AND be super anxious.
You can love this baby so much AND be terrified of leaning into that love because you know the pain of losing a child.
You can acknowledge that this child was 100% wanted AND that sometimes being a parent is really hard and that you would like a break from it thank you, please.
The relief that clients feel when they stop making themselves wrong for the feelings they’re having is palpable.
Start to notice your thoughts
When we’re struggling with anxiety, our thoughts can be one of the things that really fuel the anxious sensations in our bodies. Sometimes it’s also the other way around; we notice that anxious feeling in our stomach or chest and our thoughts (not-so-helpfully) try to provide a reason.
The next time you’re feeling anxious, where have your thoughts gone? You don’t have to do anything about the thoughts; awareness is always step one.
Is it a mean voice in your head telling you that you’re doing a terrible job? Is it a worried thought suggesting something terrible is going to happen? Is it a problem-solving thought that is trying to find the ‘right’ answer but has you going round and round in circles?
How do you feel when you’re having these thoughts? The likely answer is: not great.
One of the things I often say to my clients is that a thought is just a thought. It’s not necessarily the truth and we don’t necessarily need to give it a lot of our time or attention.
With practice (and often with professional support), we can learn to notice the thought, thank it for trying to keep us safe and then gently let it go.
Speak to someone about how you’re feeling.
Peer support groups or forums like the ones offered by the charity PaNDAS can reassure you that you’re not alone in this experience. It can feel like a massive relief to say how you’re really feeling and be met by the words ‘me too’.
Getting some professional support can also be an absolute game-changer as the things I have mentioned in this post are the tip of the iceberg. Therapy can teach you tools to manage anxiety in the moment as well as addressing the root causes behind the anxiety. It IS possible to feel grounded as a new mum, to learn to trust yourself and to turn down that voice of self-doubt. You might just need some support with getting to where you’d like to be.
Ruth Renouf is a psychotherapist specialising in postnatal mental health. She helps deeply-feeling mums overcome anxiety and overwhelm so that they can be truly present with their children and enjoy those early years with their babies.
To find out more about working with her, head to her website: https://formbypostnatalcounselling.com/ or find her on Instagram: @formby_postnatal_counselling
